There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I will buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry“.
guy replies, “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and left my wallet and credit cards in it. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my POISON.!!
Once a fisherman woke early in the morning. It was very dark. He waited a while & found a sack full of stone. He started throwing them in to the sea to time pass. At last he had just one stone, sun rose up & he found out that those are not stones, but diamonds.
Moral of the story: — “Don’t wake up early in the morning” !
Teacher: Which Comes 1st – Sun Or Moon ?-
Student: Obviously Moon.
Student: Only After Honeymoon, SON Will Come…!!
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, I am afraid Tiddle’s is dead, Lucy.
So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for God to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.
Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning! Fearing something terrible had happened, the father shook the girl and shouted, How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!
Well, mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, “Oh Jesus!!! I am coming, I am coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.
Daddy fainted !
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldnot figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
“Its a period” reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that“” she said,”but what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.“
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
A bit hairy… remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, well yes! What did you expect – feathers !
Define girlfriend: – A person who changes every habit in guy and after a year says,
— “darling now u r not like before, u have changed a lot…”
The army decided to discharge 3 generals. They decided to give them a certain amount of money for every inch of their body.
The first general went into the room and they measured him. He got $769,000.
The second general went into the room and he raised his arm and he got $900,000.
The third general went into the room and he told them to measure from the tip of his dick to the back of his balls. The guy that was measuring them got the measuring tape and said, Where are your balls?
The general replied, Back in Vietnam. Start measuring!
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Al Gore were on a sinking ship.
Gore yelled, We must save the women!
Screw the women! Bush replied.
Clinton asked, excited, Do we have enough time for that?
U don’t open a telephone conversation with a “HELLO“, but with a “Hi”
The telephone is never “engaged“, it-s always “busy“.
U don’t “disconnect” a phone, U simply “hang-up“.
U never “mess-up” things, U only “screw them up“.
U never have a “residence” tel. no., U have a “home” no.
U don’t stop at the “signals“, but halt at the “lights“.
U don’t “accelerate“, U “step on the gas“.
Your tire never “punctures“, U may have a “flat“.
There R no “petrol pumps“, but “gas stations“.
U no longer meet a “wonderful” person, U meet a “cool guy”
There’s no “Business Area” only “business districts“, and no “districts” but “counties“.
No one stays “a stone’s throw away“, might “a few blocks away“.
There-s no “Town Side“, it’s “Down Town“.
In hotel U no longer pay by “cheque“, rather ask for “check“.
There R no “soft drinks“, only “sodas“.
Life-s no longer “miserable” it “stinks“.
U don’t “sweat it out“, U “work ur butt off“.
Never “post” a letter, always “mail” it and “glue” the stamps, don’t “stick” them.
U no longer live in “flats” or “blocks“, find an “apartment“.
U don’t stand in a “queue“, you are in a “line“.
U no longer “like” something, U “appreciate” it.
U R not “deaf“, U have “impaired hearing“.
U R not “lunatic“, U are just “mentally challenged“.
U R not “disgusting” U R “sick“.
U can-t get “surprised” U get “zapped“.
U never “joke“, U just do “kidding“.
U never “increase” the pressure, U always “crank” it up.
U never ask for a pencil “rubber“, U ask for an eraser.
U don’t try to find a “lift“, U find “an elevator”.
U don’t ask somebody “How r u ?“, U say “What’s up dude?”
U never go to “see a game”, U go to “watch a game“.
If someone gets “angry” at U, U get “flamed“.
You don’t say “How do you do“, you say “How you doing”
In short U don’t speak “English”, U speak “American”.
Well u don’t say “life is boring”, U say “LIFE SUCKS” !!!!!
Robert : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer…
David : how do u say that?
Robert : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!
Robert : shhhh…I think the SW Engnr who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before …
David : How do u know…?
Robert : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!
Robert : Hey…. whats time now?
David : System time or local time…??
Robert : Hey.. I have a problem. My system is not booting up!
David : may be, its internal buses are on strike.. check out!
Robert : I think that SW Engnr is very naive..
David : how do u say that?
Robert: He believes -Rascal- is a new version of Pascal!
Robert : Hey.. u know.. Micorsoft Visual C++ 5.0 has got everything.The Developer Studio can really do magic…
David : Can we use that to develop the photo-negatives?
Robert : why are u wiping ur terminal very often with a cloth?
David : clear command is not working properly for my terminal. that-s why?
Robert : yesterday I bought a new TV whose terminal is compatible with computer. but, its audio portion is not at all working
David : may be its compatible only with dumb terminals???
Robert : We have shifted our home to NewYork now..
David : right shift or left shift??
Robert : David, I am going to file a case against my landlord. He is harassing me too much.
David : What case? Upper Case or Lower Case or…….